Whistleblower: Forever 21 Offering Deep Discounts to Immortals

SANTA BARBARA, CA – Perhaps the establishment’s name should have been a red flag. Forever 21, the retail clothing chain at the corner of Carrillo and State Street in Santa Barbara’s famous shopping district, is no ordinary store. At least, that’s one of several scandalous allegations being made by an unidentified store insider. “Forever 21 has long promulgated an apartheid consumer model,” the insider told investigators. “There are ageless immortals who are never going to die, and there are the rest of us. The ageless immortals are given special pricing that the regular customer neither receives, nor is privy to.”

Forever 21 categorically denies the allegation. “We are not, I repeat, are not in the business of catering to the literally ageless beauty to which humankind has aspired through the trackless eons. We are pleased to count as our clientele the disintegrating ordinary shopper. Our cloaked and chanting HR management does not involve itself with arcane ritual sacrifices to the god Chronos. If that is one of the allegations.” Investigators so far are mum on the collected evidence, and looking fresh-faced and well-rested.