German Child Care Conglomerate Spanked by City Over Business Name

SANTA BARBARA, CA – There’s a new player downtown—joining Santa Barbara’s thriving business community all the way from Germany, no less. The Brat Haus (at the intersection of State and De la Guerra Streets in the heart of downtown) has been doing a booming business since its gala opening about three weeks ago, with customers reportedly so thrilled with the service they are returning again and again—every time they come downtown to shop and want a little time away from their brats. The global company’s CEO in Frankfurt is delighted at the success of this first California venture, and plans are already being drawn up for outlets in Los Angeles and San Francisco. There’s just one problem.

“We can’t calling them brats,” explains store manager Klaus Bonhoffer.

You heard right. Those grasping lampreys whose selfish cries for attention can ruin mommy and daddy’s perfectly lovely shopping spree? Santa Barbara’s city attorney has informed the parent company in Germany, Kinder-Zurückhaltung, that children under their purview can’t be referred to as “brats”; at least not in Santa Barbara. Kinder-Zurückhaltung CEO Hans-Dieter Möller is fully cooperating with the city’s order as the two sides seek a negotiated solution; and a new business name that is more aligned with American west coast sensitivities. “At a meeting by the City Council, somebody is saying we must call the business ‘Kiddy Cove’,” CEO Möller relates. “I believe at that moment I must smashing into them with a chair. This will be a long process, I’m thinking.”