SB Motorists, Pedestrians to Velo Folk: Buy Outfits a Size Larger

SANTA BARBARA, CA – If you’re riding your bike to the corner store for hot dogs, you needn’t wear a bright orange lycra weenie suit and teardrop-shaped AeroDyne racing helmet. So say Santa Barbara motorists and pedestrians; two birds not ordinarily of a feather who are in this instance flocking together to put a stop to the phenomenon of grown-ups who won’t straddle a bike absent their flesh-squeezing, fake sponsor-festooned fantasy gear. “What on Earth?” asks local massage therapist Linda Cooper. “This used to be a family-friendly town. If I want my kids to see distorted genitalia in all the colors of the rainbow, I will take them to a medical museum. Santa Barbara cyclists – give us our town back.”

Santa Barbara’s controversial cycling contingent can be seen in their vividly colored full body tights on any given morning, sprawled around local coffee shops in attitudes of chatty exhaustion, clacking showily around in their pedal cleats and sipping self-consciously from $70 water bottles. “Of course I’m all about heart heath,” says local cardiologist Thomas Carruthers. “The fact is, crouching low over your handlebars in a bright green leotard looks quite flash, but places unnecessary stress on the diaphragm and pericardial sac. I see a group of these guys zip by and begin mentally picking out my second Tesla.” Massage therapist Cooper is less sanguine. “Stop the Tour de Foolishness,” she exhorts. “For the children.”