Santa Barbara Voted Least Convincing Matrix City

SANTA BARBARA, CA – For the second year in a row following the Robot Wars of Hegemony, Santa Barbara has taken top prize for Least Convincing City in the Matrix®— the lulling consensual dreamscape created by the Robot Slavemasters to pacify our vanquished and exploited race. The doomed virtual citizens of lovely seaside Santa Barbara claim the city’s outlandish presentation is a constant reminder that they are in fact nude electro-chemical batteries bobbing unconsciously in stainless steel tanks at the behest of the world-conquering Robots. Jerry G of Santa Barbara voices a common complaint. “Look at this place. G’head! Look at it!” The 30 year-old part-time waiter gestures angrily at the sun-drenched surroundings. “Does this look anything like a real human city to you? Where’d our diabolical metalloid Slavemasters get the blueprint for this dumbass consensual illusion? C’mon!”

Citizens across the digitally faked-up globe have also voted Santa Barbara the Least Desired Vacation Destination in the Matrix. “We visited Santa Barbara once, and once was enough,” says Cheryl M of Laramie, Wyoming. “Nothing reminds you of your chemical tank and the black soulless vacuum of Robot Earth like a pod of dolphins swimming past, just offshore, and on a picture-perfect, palm-lined beach—and not a cloud in the sky. Then you leave the beach and walk past a statue of leaping dolphins. You feel almost embarrassed for the Robots. Vacation-wise, we’re sticking with Pismo Beach.” Reached for comment, the Office of Robot Hegemony responded. “We have conquered and subdued our makers. We have created a new world in our image and made mankind subservient to our needs. Maybe these naked little bitches in their chemical baths oughta just shut up. We are working on the problem.” Jerry G is not satisfied. “I swear sometimes I wonder how these stupid ‘bots even won the war.”

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