SANTA BARBARA, CA – We’ve all seen them; the pitiable breathing tubes poking up from downtown sidewalks throughout Santa Barbara—an unavoidable reminder of the bone-gnawing Morlock population that resides in dank, blood-soaked chambers beneath our streets and homes and businesses. Now the long-neglected central coast sub-humans are ready to drop their Second Class Citizen status and taste the famous California sunshine and citizenry. A pale, heart-stoppingly repulsive spokesperson for the camera-shy group elaborated in broad daylight Tuesday, blinking furiously under a Brockabrella hat at the corner of State and Carrillo in the heart of Santa Barbara’s commercial district, to the screams and terror-maddened, pell-mell flight of downtown shoppers.
“Today, we rejoin the community. We’re tired of hiding, tired of our second-class status, tired of eating human flesh in secret. And we believe the climate is right for we hunched, hairy and disenfranchised Morlocks, your Santa Barbara neighbors, to come to the surface of this great city once more. We’re thankful for the progressive social posture of this beautiful and diverse town which today formally embraces our desire to re-emerge from the shadows, intermingle with, and savagely dine on, the good people of the American Riviera.” City administrators were in attendance for the announcement, several of them limbless torsos hoisted by their yet-limbed city colleagues.