SANTA BARBARA, CA – In a surprise announcement today, Santa Barbara’s two elderly Candy Bosses—Mother Stearns and Mary See—have agreed to a winner-take-all Mixed Martial Arts bout to decide who will assume control of The American Riviera’s lucrative confections racket. Billed as “The Sweet Mama Beatdown”, the one-time event is expected to draw spectators from across the U.S. and Canada, with closed circuit rights quickly snapped up by Karo, the corn syrup giant.
Molasses-maddened gangs have terrorized Santa Barbara’s streets for decades as the “Old Crones of Confectionary ” battled for turf, the opposing armies clashing savagely in their sugar-dusted aprons and little candy-maker’s caps. Bystanders have long been caught up in the violence, and families tragically torn asunder by their allegiances. The announcement of a final, score-settling caged bout between the two “Malicious Mavens of Milk Chocolate” is being greeted with both relief and trepidation by Santa Barbarans weary of the decades-long conflict. The elderly gang leaders are themselves ready to rumble.
“I’m going to twist her like salt-water taffy,” Mother Stearns proclaimed somewhat predictably, in a pointed promotion for Mother Stearns Salt Water Taffy. When pressed for a response, Ms. See was unequivocal. “Why, I’m going to find her soft center, dear,” she told a reporter in a chilling old lady voice, peering over the tops of rounded spectacles. “Don’t you worry about that. Would you like a sample?”