SANTA BARBARA, CA – Sunbathers at Santa Barbara’s Leadbetter beach were stunned Saturday when several dozen Bermuda Triangle abductees wandered out of a bank of translucent glowing fog at the popular local spot. Dressed in the historically appropriate clothing of their respective eras, the abductees briefly wandered the eerily illuminated beach before making for the restrooms and order window of celebrated Shoreline Beach Cafe. It developed that their inter-dimensional abductors had acquiesced to the abductees’ requests for a potty break and some food. The Bermuda Triangle, known also as The Devil’s Triangle, is a region of the northwestern Atlantic within whose loosely defined borders many aircraft and ships have mysteriously disappeared over the years.
On Saturday, little girls in petticoats emerged from Leadbetter’s mystery fog rolling those frontier toy hoops, a man in a chef’s apron stumbled dazedly along holding a ladle, and a 50s-era frogman with a spear gun high-stepped awkwardly along the sand in his flippers. At the Shoreline Beach Cafe’s order window, several fresh-faced young men in WWI-era sailor suits—likely crew from the USS Cyclops, a naval cargo ship that vanished in the Bermuda Triangle without a trace in 1918—excitedly ordered large fries with extra “catsup”. Meanwhile, a middle-aged fellow in aviator cap and goggles stood staring at one of the restaurant’s waitresses. “How do you people eat with all this going on?” the lost aviator murmured to no one in particular.
An hour later the strange visitors, representing an estimated spread of some 200 years of mid-ocean abduction, turned as one and re-entered the glowing fog bank. “Today Santa Barbara welcomed a new kind of visitor,” a Santa Barbara Chamber of Commerce spokesperson said. “Whether you are here willingly, or at the pleasure of an inter-dimensional race of faceless fiends, The American Riviera welcomes your vacation dollars.”