Santa Barbara to Violent Plumbing Fixtures: Follow Rules or Be Caged

SANTA BARBARA, CA – You’ve seen them: the snarling, slavering plumbing doodads in their soldered cages. A “Cage the Plumbing” initiative first begun as a grass-roots movement of frightened and fed-up citizens has now been codified by city planners. Santa Barbarans are breathing easier. “The cages are unsightly but necessary,” says investment banker Brad Carlton. “I can’t tell you what a relief it is to be able to walk down a city street and not have some plumbing fixture lunge at my legs. That gets old in a hurry.” Santa Barbara’s urban planners have nearly completed the job of caging the city’s snapping, ankle-attacking waterworks. Not all Santa Barbarans support the initiative. “Our plumbing is what we make it,” says ophthalmologist Karen Willoughby. “How can we punish these poor fixtures when it is our misbegotten stewardship that made them this way in the first place? Maybe we should all be made to crouch in tiny cages along the roadside and have high-pressure city water shot up our asses all day.” At press time a misconstrual of Ms. Willoughby’s comments had brought an earnest group of civic-minded volunteers to the Santa Barbara Water District Offices.