Report: Protected Steelhead Trout Swaggering, Spawning Recklessly

SANTA BARBARA, CA – When the Steelhead Trout achieved Protected status in the early 2000s, the previously unpopular Edward G. Robinson-faced species began immediately to affect an annoying MC Hammer “You Can’t Touch This” swagger, says Riparian Habitat Manager Caryn Fletcher. “It was like, overnight. This dumb thing couldn’t get a date before that. Now it’s practically carried upstream to the bedroom by the Feds. The ESA has made this idiot fish feel absolutely bulletproof. We’re paying the price.”  The self-righteous Steelhead’s protected status has likewise wreaked havoc on business and development interests, those whose livelihoods are now congressionally linked to the Darwinian failure’s bedroom habits. But not all affected businesses are averse to the Steelhead. “We love the Steelhead!” a local structural engineering firm enthused through a spokesperson. “A little minced parsley and a decorative arrangement of tangy lemon wedges turn this budget-busting asshole into a satisfying meal. Or so we’ve been told.”