SANTA BARBARA, CA – Mayor Helene Schneider, riding a wave of unprecedented popularity, has leveraged her political capital to quietly push through a new city ordinance whose theme is the upkeep of her new car, a powder blue Prius. City Ordinance 8878 lays out these directives in the unflinchingly monotonous sadspeak of civil code. “No. 8878 – Except as provided in subdivision (c), any Santa Barbara person, firm, partnership, association, or corporation not given to waxing and washing Mayor Schneider’s Prius every day [restricted to those days whose name ends with the word ‘day’] shall be in abrogation of official duties and subject to legal remedy. Probably incarceration.” Santa Barbarans interested in attending the public hearing on the proposed new ordinance are encouraged to wear coveralls to the meeting in the Planning Commission Hearing Room, where chamois with the Santa Barbara City Seal will be distributed.